Lunches with Ron give me dyspepsia. Quick. Pass the Pepto Bismol.
A prior dining experience was another shocker. Is it my imagination or are our meals going downhill? Is our friendship reaching new heights or regressing?
Maybe it's not Ron or I. Maybe it's the general state of race relations. Our genuine ability to agree to disagree hasn't seemed to alter our affection towards one another. Yet we seem to discuss races and ascribe attitudes and actions to these groups without realizing that we're both card-carrying members: one white, one black.
Slap-in-the-face #39 was Ron's unequivocal proclamation that whites were to blame for black self-hatred, or should I say lack of adequate self-regard. He acknowledged disgust that blacks let whites do this, but he clearly ordained whom he felt was the true culprit.
And so goes the seemingly endless debate about race and responsibility. When does the legacy of slavery, discrimination and racism end? How can it be made to stop? And, most important, how would anyone know when it's gone? Or, if not gone, then clearly not a factor any longer.
Maybe never. We're still blaming Adam and Eve for everything from our horrendous relationship with God to eating foods that aren't good for us.
It's a pestering problem. By nature, people prefer to find fault in others rather than themselves. If I can blame all my job problems on my boss, then I'm off the hook. Of course, it won't help get a year-end bonus, but it'll make me feel good. I preserve my perfection, my moral superiority.
But what if my actions or attitudes contribute to my current lot in life? Then what? Oops. I have to assume responsibility and begin a personal reclamation project.
We don't like personal reclamation projects. They're painful and require a lot of work. Once we admit fallibility in one area, we're vulnerable to it in another. And once those dominoes start falling, when and where do they stop? We might conclude that we're merely ordinary slugs trying our best within our imperfect human frames to get by.
That would be terrible. Better to look for the real reason for the predicament. Better to find the root cause of it all. Better to blame it on somebody else.
Of course, we possess some nobility, so we retain a modicum of accountability. But we make sure that the lion's share rests upon another's sturdy shoulders. There's just no percentage in acknowledging that we have an ongoing obligation to strive for betterment. That involves far too much hard work.
Such an approach produces wonderful results. I can excuse keeping commitments when extraneous events intervene. I can avoid upsetting personal introspection. And I can live happily-ever-after knowing that "I'm OK, you're not OK."
There are risks, however. People may feel I'm paranoid. They may not want to associate with one whose attitude is so negative. They may even think I could turn on them someday. No worry. If that's the way they think, they're clearly no friends of mine.
Next time I sup with Ron, I'll be ready. I'll listen carefully and calmly. And if he says anything upsetting, I'll know what to do.
I'll know that it can't be my fault. It's his.
++++
Fred W. Apelquist, III, M. Ed.
Approximately 540 words.
(C) 2000